September, October and Food Addiction

Ahh, well, where to begin? I know it has been a while, but I started a new job and while I am not working any longer than I was, I somehow have a lot less time on my hands. I am just now getting used to my new schedule and since I do not have school this week, I decided to carve out time for my blog.

So, I made eggplant parmesan. While I was not thrilled with the taste, it did look awfully pretty. That may just be because I love cheese. For some reason, the eggplant was not crispy at all and it was actually very mushy. This could be the nature of the vegetable. I have never had good experiences with eggplant, but for some odd reason I keep going back to it thinking it is going to magically change.

Last year, my wonderful fiance bought me a cast iron pan because I had a horrible day. It was the sweetest thing and I always jump at the chance to make something in it. So, I made a pineapple upside down cake. This was absolutely yummy, although I wish I woulda cooked it a little longer.

This was my design.

B-E-A-Utiful

I also celebrated my 22nd birthday on the 13th of September. Alex's mom made me the most wonderful chocolate cake. I don't have the recipe for it, which is good because I definately don't need to be making it! It was so rich and delicious. Gah.

At my new job, every year there is a spaghetti dinner. Everyone is asked to bring a dessert and since I love baking, I had no problem with that. I made sopapilla cheesecake and brownies. Sopapilla cheesecake is something I encourage everyone to try. It is wonderful and while I do not think it tastes too much like sopapilla, it is definately different. Oh, and the brownies, those are no normal brownies. They are abso-freaking-lutely amazing. The best brownies I have ever tasted or made. Caution: They are very sweet and chocolatey. They give me heartburn everytime I eat them, but it is well worth it. I also made yummy key lime pie, but my camera died before I could take a picture of them.

While I cooked many more recipes in September than just those listed above, I have to say, sadly, that I did not take any pictures of them. For October, though, I made caramel apples and even decorated them. I wrapped them so they would look super cute, too! I know, it's lame.

So, as I stated in my first entry I have loved food my whole life. In a quest to curb my emotional love affair with food, I bought a book called The Emotional Eater's Book of Inspiration: 90 Truths You Need to Know to Overcome Your Food Addiction.

After doing some research, I am convinced that my problem with my weight is more than just a problem with self-control. I got extremely worried when I was at work last week. I was having a pretty bad day and fiending for a cigarette in a really bad way. A girl that I worked with offered me some chocolate. Obviously she knew the kind of comfort a good ol' piece of chocolate could offer. My eyes lit up, my heart fluttered a bit and I excepted. As soon as I put the chocolate in my mouth, it was as if there was a wave of serenity came over me. It was a physical feeling of calmness. It felt much like the way a cigarette does when you haven't had one in a while. Are you kidding me? To be completely honest, it scared me. I thought, how in the world has it come to this? How is it that a piece of chocolate is calming me much like the nicotine in a cigarette?

After contemplating that for a while, I decided that I need to do something about this. For the past 10 years, I have wondered why it was so hard for me to resist food when everyone else can. After researching the difference between emotional eating and food addiction, I realized that I might just have an addiction to food. About 5 years ago, I struggled with bulimia for a little over a year. It did horrible things to my body and to this day I still have horrible acid reflux. While this form of weight management is no longer an option to me, I will not lie: it does cross my mind from time to time.

Yesterday, I went to the doctor and he commented on my weight gain. This time last year, I was 24 pounds lighter. I had gotten out of a serious relationship a few months earlier and lost the 24 pounds because of it. I told him that and he said that people eat when they are unhappy. I smiled and said, "No, Dr. Grillo. I tend to eat more when I am happy. That is what makes this so hard for me." Most people eat more when they are sad or depressed. I eat more when I am happy. I love food and I love to share that with people. When I got into another serious relationship, I started cooking meals every night, which meant that I ate meals every night. Being single meant that I had no one to share my love of cooking with. So I only ate out of sheer hunger.

Reading the aforementioned book has opened my eyes. My weaknesses are sweets. Right now I am avoiding all things sweet. I still hear, almost every night, that dreaded question from my fiance. "What's for dessert?" I simply have to tell him that there is nothing for dessert. I have turned down chocolate at work for 2 days in a row, too. So, at this point I am feeling very empowered, yet somewhat defeated. I am so sick of struggling with this that I am ready to make a change for life. No diet, no calorie-counting, no set dates of when I need to lose the weight, no worrying about losing 2-3 pounds a week... all I am concerned with is changing the way I eat and how I view food.